


Pullback Car

by asherisnotfunny



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, M/M, Mentall Illness, One sided, if you blink you'll miss it, mentioned past self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 15:50:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8759278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asherisnotfunny/pseuds/asherisnotfunny
Summary: A drabble on why Dan and Phil occasionally hold hands in public.(Platonic pals fic with one sided love but not sad)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in an hour and it seemed like it ended so I figured I'd post it to let you know I'm not dead. This is basically my headcanon btw. After I was diagnosed and saw the symptoms... well you'll see. You need 5/9 checked and you probably have it lololol
> 
> (Disclaimer: not a psychologist please dont self diagnose yourself its dangerous)

It was hard to find an excuse not to take the train out to see Phil. Dan paced pack and forth as he waited for Skype to chime and let him know that Phil was calling.

 

He considered closing his laptop and claiming to have fallen asleep. Yes, that was what he would do. Just walk over to the bed and close the laptop. Just as he approached it it began to ring.

 

He groaned, sat on his bed, and answered.

 

“Help I’ve fallen into the Buffy pit again! I almost forgot to call!” Phil over-exaggerated by gripping his hair. It was longer and longer each time Dan saw it.

 

Dan laughed. “Here I’d gone and thought you’d found another young teen to befriend.”

 

“Never,” Phil asserted. “The only way you’ll get me to leave is by explicitly saying you don't want to be my friend anymore. Other than that- I’m not going anywhere.” To a stranger, it might’ve seemed as though Phil took that joke too seriously. However he knew Dan well. Even if Dan meant it as a joke, later on in one of his downward spirals he’d think back to it and use any remotely negative comment as ‘proof’ that Phil was just dragging him along for fun before he inevitably left Dan behind and moved on to ‘bigger and better things.’

 

Dan smiled. He knew Phil’s thought process. He was so pure and kind. It was strange how different they were and how well they worked. Though they were only online friends.

 

“Do you still want to come and see me?” Phil broke the silence. It was as though he knew Dan better than Dan did.

 

“I… I do.” Dan looked away from the screen.

 

“Eye contact,” Phil reminded him. “You said you wanted to work on that.”

 

Dan looked back at the screen. “Yes, Dad.” He chuckled.

 

“Oh baby,” Phil said in the deepest and most raspy voice he could produce.

 

Dan cackled and quickly covered his mouth and glancing at the door. Phil covered his own in mock surprise.

 

“Leave. I’m unfriending you.” He joked. “You’re dead to me, Phil Lester.”

 

Phil dropped back onto his bed and feigned death. “Finally, to be reunited with my hamsters…” he said in a soft and dreamy voice.

 

“Oh fuck off.” Dan laughed.

 

Phil sat up grinning. “Come on, come over. My parents will be out of town. It's only a week!”

 

Dan bit his lip. “I just…” he sighed. “I don't do great in crowds.”

 

Phil pursed his lips as he thought. “I don't want to make you uncomfortable…” He took a breath. “Is there anything I can do to help? If you get anxious, I mean.”

 

Dan laughed. “Yeah, hold my hand and tell me I’m okay. That won't get us any weird looks.”

 

Phil looked interested. “Would that help?”

 

“Phil, I’m not going to have you hold my hand as we walk through Manchester.” Dan scoffed. “Do you want to get stabbed?”

 

“No.” He pouted. “What if I just stood next to you then? Really closely. That way if you need to hold my hand, you can?”

 

“People will think we’re dating, Phil.” He laughed. “You’ve already got people asking if we’re together.”

 

Phil grinned. “My mum, too.”

 

Dan facepalmed. “Oh god, your _mother_ asked if we’re dating?”

 

Phil took a breath. “Well… yeah.” He looked at Dan with an expectant smile. “So, what do you say? Doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you.”

 

“You’re a good friend, Phil.” Dan sighed with a smile.

 

“Is that a yes?!” Phil beamed.

 

“Yeah. Send me the links for the tickets again?”

  
  
  


It became harder later on. The shippers seemed to turn into conspiracy theorists documenting every move he made online. They slowed down clips of them sitting next to each other.

 

The main source of shipping came from them doing everything together. How close they sat next to one another.

 

In 2012 he flipped out. The prank video that YouTube accidentally unprivated became the number one source of proof. It became known as “The Video That Shall Not Be Named.”

 

No matter how many times Dan and Phil asserted that they were not together it didn't seem to matter.

 

Dan’s rage was scaring some fans away.

 

“You need to stop, Dan. It's really not a big deal. The attention you’re giving it looks like denial.”

 

 _“Denial?”_ Dan looked like he’d been slapped in the face. “Phil- my mum literally asked what was _going on_ with us like she’s about to start reading fucking fanfiction and she doesn't even _watch_ my videos. She’s getting as bad as _your_ mum.”

 

“Hey, my mum is just... _supportive_.”

 

“Phil she brought up how ‘nice it is’ to see these ‘young gay couples adopting babies.’ And we aren't even _dating._ ” He flung his hands in the air. “It would be _so much easier_ if we were actually together.”

 

Phil pouted. “Dan, you know you could just come out. If they just knew why-”

 

Dan turned to Phil with a scowl. “Yeah, like making me sound so tragic and you such a hero would help the situation.”

  
  
  


Phil didn't bring it up again for a long time. Dan did, however, stop denying it. By 2016 Dan had fully embraced the rumors.

 

As they sat on the bed on the bus Phil rolled over and looked at Dan. “You know the Uncle Dan questions…”

 

“Yeah, I’d say I’m pretty familiar with them.” Dan chortled. “Why?”

 

Phil laid on his back and looked up at the ceiling. “There was that one with the girl with crowd anxiety.”

 

Dan barked a laugh. “Yeah, where I said: don't go outside. Problem solved. Solid advice.”

 

“Yeah,” Phil half-laughed. “I was kind of hoping you’d actually slip in one of your coping techniques.”

 

“I can’t very well lend her _you,_ can I?”

 

“Well no. But the hand holding. That worked, didn't it?”

 

“You’re my best friend, Phil, but I can't really recommend codependency as a _coping skill._ My therapist would not approve. She was all: ‘Why don't you try and walk around town once a week _without_ Phil. Just to the corner store.’ And I’m like HEY GOING TO AMERICA FOR A YEAR IN A TOUR BUS BYE!”

 

“Yeah, I’m not sure your therapist is aware we aren't dating.”

 

“I have borderline personality disorder, Phil. We’re basically married in my brain.”

 

There was a brief silence.

 

“What’s it like?” He finally asked. “Having borderline?”

 

“Well.” Dan pressed his lips in a firm line as he thought. “It’s different for everyone. But basically you’ve got a checklist of nine symptoms. If you get five out of the nine you _probably_ have it.” Dan was quite closeted about his illness. He’d never been asked about it before. “Hold on let me pull it up…”

 

Dan cursed at the wifi before it finally allowed him to use google.

 

“Here we are: The Nine Symptoms of BPD.” He said in his best impersonation of a game show host. “Number one! Fear of abandonment. Blah, blah, lonely, blah, blah- ah! This is familiar: _Even a loved one returning late from work can trigger immense fear_ leading to smothering basically.”

 

Phil laughed. “Oh god when my phone died and I’d stopped to get starbucks as a surprise.”

 

“I _lost_ it.” Dan shook his head with a smile.

 

“You wouldn't get off me on the couch unless I had to use the toilet.”

 

Dan sighed. “You have no idea how terrifying it is. You might’ve well told me you hated me and were sending movers for your stuff in the morning. I was considering scripting a video on our split.”

 

“Aw, Dan.” Dan scooted closer to Phil as he cooed.

 

Dan looked at the screen again. “Number two: unstable relationships.” They both laughed. “Basically, as you put it: I’m very quick to love or hate. That’s the funny thing about borderline. There is no line. Its one or the other. Life is perfect or horrible.”

 

Phil nodded. A small smile tugged at his lips upon hearing himself be quoted from so many years ago.

 

“Three: unclear self image. _Me everyday.”_

 

“Literally you. ‘Phil! Do they actually like me? My millions of subscribers? They voted and won me a hundred awards and pay a ridiculous amount of money for a selfie! Do they like me?’” Phil’s mocking tone earned him a playful shove.

 

“Stop bullying the mentally ill!” He laughed. “No, but seriously- as ridiculous as it sounds it's still true. I genuinely can't comprehend why I’m likable.” He continued before Phil could interject. “Number four: impulsive or self destructive behavior.”

 

The both looked at each other without speaking.

 

“Moving on from that rabbit hole… Number five: self harm- Moving on again…”

 

“Dan-” Phil started.

 

“Not in the mood to cry right now.” Dan laughed nervously. “Three years clean. Let’s move on.”

 

Phil nodded.

 

“Number six: extreme mood swings.” They looked at each other and Phil snorted. “Whatever could that mean…” Dan let out a snort of his own.

 

“What’s it like though? The mood swings?” Phil asked. “I can't imagine turning as fast as you do.”

 

Dan sat for a moment. “Okay. So imagine a remote control car, and a pullback car. The one has the controller to control the speed and turning.” Phil nodded. “And the other one you have to pull back, and as hard as you pull back the faster it goes.”

 

“You’re the pullback car.”

 

“Yeah, and a normal person is a remote control car. They drive around and avoid obstacles and me… well it depends how much energy I have. When I’m angry it all comes rushing out until I metaphorically crash into a wall. When I’m happy I’m racing free until I run out and just sit there empty until I get energy again.” He sighed. “The euphoria that comes from the chemicals released when I’m happy is the kind of shit people pay for. It is pure bliss. But… I crash just as hard. Which brings us to our next two symptoms: Chronic feelings of emptiness, and number eight is explosive anger.”

 

“You don't really get explosive anger.” Phil noted. “Not anymore, anyway.”

 

“Character development. #nicerinternet.” Dan grinned and Phil shoved him this time. “Anyway, existential crises and episodes of cyber-rage are also ticked. Next comes number nine: paranoia and dissociation.”

 

“So you definitely have borderline.”

 

“I would say so, yeah.” Dan chuckled.

 

“I don't think they’d mind, you know. If anything they’d understand and you’d give a lot of people hope.” Phil suggested.

 

“All they will see is inspiration for more hurt/comfort fics. Poor Dan with his BPD suffering through life until his favorite youtuber,the truly amazing Phil Lester, came and rescued him from social anxiety by holding his hand for the rest of his life.” Dan said overdramatically.

 

“Well that’s what happened. The only difference is you’d be in love with me.” Phil smiled and turned over onto his side and looked at Dan.

 

“God, I wish I loved you. We’d be so great together.” Dan said with a half laugh.

 

“I love you.” Phil said softly.

 

Dan smiled sadly. “I know. I’m sorry.”

 

“Don't apologize. I’ll be here as long as you let me.”

 

“Then you’ll be here a while.” Dan chuckled.

 

“I hope so.”


End file.
